Time to catch fish

I was trying to sleep last night, and I had had way too much coffee, which is odd because coffee never gets to me.I have written before that I have what I call a dream Shamen, that visits in the space between sleep and not yet sleep. He told me at his last visit that I had to accomplish a task before he would visit again. The task was running up Round Mountain here in Globe. I have been trying, but as of last night hadn't achieved the goal. Yet, I was blessed with his visit.

We sit at a rock surround overlooking a pool of water in the rain forest, that has the most beautiful waterfall. I had a fishing pole in my hands with a hook on it, no bait and not in the water. My Shamen questioned this behavior, and I told him of a time when I first decided that is was much better to be with some one that you enjoy then what you are doing, and this came to me first when I was 9 or 10.

We sat, quietly for a while, watching the waterfall and the pool it fell into, and finally he spoke. Sam, you have always wondered about the meaning of life, the how of it all, and why, an were told by a wise man long ago that there is no how, no why, just do. So, here is my advise to you, very simple.

If you want to catch fish, you have to bait the hook.

I ran Round mountain today, slow,as if with a cane and walker, but ran up it.
Time to accept that it my years of recapitulation has to come to a close for a while

Time to catch fish

Now if I can only figure out why my computer changes fonts.

So you think you're too good for that?

Dealing with people. I just don't get it. I have been dealing with a rough patch in my life where I no longer want to do the things I used to do, financially I am in the tank, I am finally coming to understand my mental illness, and how I have always dealt with it.

I haven't worked in a year and haven't worked for anyone but myself for about 20 yeas.I got a job interview at Mcdonald's, a couple of basketball associates work there and that I thought was reason enough to apply. I got an interview, and stewed very much with the thought of working there, a minimum wage job at one of the anti health companies of the world.  I sought out someone I thought I could talk to about it. what I got was
"so you think you are too good to work there" I was floored.what a rude statement to make to someone.

But maybe I am, "too good to work there" or maybe I am dealing with my reality. all the things I have done in my life is equated into the reality that I can't get a real job anymore, and I am "to good" to work at mcdonalds..

We think of some people as friends. know them for decades. I it good to find out how people feel about you. Negative, It is more a function of who they are that who I am. funny, I volunteer for her charity 8,sometimes 10 hours a week.I love the dogs, they help keep me sane, My truck is full of dog hair that really will never clean out, as much as that simple statement will never leave me.

"So, you think you're too good to do that"

I hate people.

Last will and testamant

I hate it when I write a story and it disappears before my eyes. Oh well, I will try again.

I have Hep C. I am going to die. I went chronic, or viral 3 years this summer. I had taken up basketball the year before and the man who was teaching me, who is now 77, played 3 times a week in the heat of the summer here in Globe. I felt sick and I get tested every year for hep c, diabetes and high blood pressure. My viral  numbers were up, and dropped in the second test, but I could tell I was getting better before the first test.

I read that once you go viral or chronic, a person has 5 years, that is it. Unless you can afford the drugs. I can't. It is going to be euthanasia for me. When the time comes when my liver is cirrhosis to the point of non functioning, cancer sets in and I can no longer stand the pain, even with magic herbs.

I see it happening this way, I will smoke until I can't see through the beautiful fog any longer, then shoot up some opiate. when that sets in nicely. I will go for the big bang.

so to the point I was at when my story went poof. I have 3 brothers who I don't get along with, who I don't care if they get a dime. I don't have much, a commercial building in downtown Globe, and full of my collections of a lifetime.

I can only hope to find some cause to give my life away to before I die.



As I write this I think of a friend of mine who is in stage four cancer, I took him to a fancy clinic in Phx. On the way he had me stop at a shrine outside Miami to pray, he prayed silently. On the way back he wanted to stop again and pray. He prayed out loud. I suppose to tell me of his illness, while praying to his God.

 I feel the same way about this, praying out loud, so to speak, I want someone, after death, to find this.

My last will and testament.
Sam Palmer
06212013

life stories

I have lived my life

now I am just

waiting to die

Jimmie

age 7

Speed killed my momma

Alcohol my Dad

My Uncle raped me when I was 9

some day I am going to be president

This is America

and everyone is allowed

Michelle

age 11

I don't work as well as I used to

Some parts only have memories

a young friend in his 50's

says he is going to get me a hooker whenI turn 100

Ah, the enthusiasm of youth

Carlos

95yrs

The kids are all grown

with kids of their own

All moved away

My husband passed away

suddenly last year

I think God he planned for the future

I grieved as long as I needed to

now it is my time

that handsome young stuff of 60

sure cuts a mean rug

his karaoke is pretty good too

wonder what else he can do

Marge, age 72

21 and drunk as hell

in the middle of the desert

just my last 6 pack and me

my 45 will se to that

Jim, age 21

Mom brings a different man

home

seems like all the time

my big brother is getting some

Ideas

from watching my mom

he is 7

I am 5

we sleep in the same bed

Hope, age 5

George Carlin had a routine that stated their were 7 words that you couldn't say on tv or radio. today is a little different. I think the number is more like 147 that he NSA's anti terrorist listening devises  have trained on Americans to see if we are being anti American.

What what will happen when the Vegan underground movement against  genetically modified franken cows takes hold. The uprising, the fight against feed cows that are 4 times the normal size.

The only thing I can find funny in all this is the name the scientists labeled the cows., They call the frankencows "winnies" after Winnie the Pooh.

Who says scientists don't have a sense of humor.

imagine 2 small children walking along the beach hand in hand, naked except for their floppy hats. the waves almost at their feet, the footprints in the sand, the sunset perfect. the captions reads" just another perfect manic bipolar schizophrenic aspersgers  moment"

Put this on facebook, and got a response from a extremely conservative vocal right wing christian
"is this meant to be a furthering of the homosexual movement to try and imprint the homosexual lifestyle on babies now"?

She told me she wanted to have sex with me .My head started spinning. I hadn't had a sexual partner in years.  I told her I wouldn't be any good. All my life all i ever wanted was to fall in love. That confuses everything in my life with women I want to be with. I first saw her in a picture on Facebook. It was pictures of a movie opening here in my home town. I thought she was one of the stars. That is how it usually starts. I identify with someone as special, better, more beautiful, educated or just an alpha female, and I become obsessed. quietly obsessed. I had to meet her. It only took about a year, but finally I got up the courage at a farmers market. She was talking to an acquaintance. Well, really I watched her talk to many acquaintances the whole time I was at the market. but finally I approached. She was so friendly, trying to make association with me. Very friendly, I guess I wasn't expecting that. Trying to make an association to how she recognized me. I was just happy that I managed to approach her.

Everything in this story is true. Except the first line.

shaman dream

I lay down to sleep and immediately felt myself in a dense Rain forest running through the leaves and thicket scratching and cutting my skin. A Shaman told me all is ok. It is a healing ritual. As I awoke from not yet sleep, I am free from the forests marks and I wonder, which is real.

Now that this is written, will the shaman let me back in, as it appears I may not keep the secrets of the forest, the secrets of the Shaman.

After writing thisI went back to bed, hoping to find the forest and the shaman again. I was immediately lucky.

I had broken through the rain forest into a clearing I had learned to go to with meditation driven to by a councilor while I was at Camelback hospital, a voluntary mental hospital.

Except my view had changed. I was on top of a ring of stone looking down at this beautiful place and sat there with what seemed like a thousand Shaman

I felt like I could not accept the wisdom of the Shaman and tried to drive my thoughts. Finally I let go. I was recapitulating my life, but not in my usual way. There was no judgement. The images were many thoughout my life, but only important to me. Finally I fell asleep